Note: I constantly had to take breaks while writing this because my lungs felt constricted. I had this on my computer for a couple of days, not sure what to do with it.
I upload let’s play videos on Youtube, therefore I spend a lot of time on Youtube. I use to spend a lot of time watching vloggers, like Charilieisocoollike, Nerimon, Hexachordal, Dan and Phil etc.
Nowadays, since I do let’s play videos, I watch people who do gaming videos as well. Recently it has been brought to my attention that some of these men that I have looked up to in the past from Youtube, and one on Tumblr have been taking advantage of the their fanbase and popularity to get sex. At first I was shocked but then shrugged it off, because… well I don’t really know these people. The same goes to people who watch my videos, they don’t really know me. I didn’t feel like I had the right to react, because I only know bits and pieces of them from their videos. Unfortunately the seeds of anxiety have already been planted, even after ignoring the post.
His name is Bryan. He isn’t youtube famous at all, he’s just some guy that I knew back in high school. I was bullied in high school, and he was too, so in a small way we understood each other…at least in on the surface. He works at the Teleperformance in Davao Philippines branch, it’s close to where I live, but I never see him anymore.
I was already depressed and had anxiety attacks before he reached out to me, and he knew. I guess he sensed that I was vulnerable and needy, so he took advantage of that. He made me feel wanted, and important. I had other issues before him, he was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. On December I overdosed on some pills and alcohol, I tried to kill myself, I spent a few days in the hospital.
I thought I was over what he did to me. But hearing about some of my favorite vloggers actions, made me relive the hurt again. It made me reflect how weak and vulnerable I am, and it’s just scary how many people out there will just take advantage of that. Recently my insomnia has gotten worse, and I can barely eat. I don’t blame any of the girls that came forward for “triggering” me. I actually applaud them for doing so. They’re very brave. I can’t even tell my friends because of the great shame I feel.
I know, I’m an idiot. It’s my fault; I hold all accountability for what I’ve done. I was treated that way because I allowed myself to be treated that way. As much as I hate him, I hate myself even more. I can’t stand being in my own skin.
Reality hurts because I’m sensitive. I wasn’t made for this world. I need to get out and this time I want to succeed.
I’m tired of being told to shut up about my feelings. I grew up learning nobody likes seeing me upset, and if I was upset I would get punished for it. Never mind I had nightmares until I was 10 about the man that molested me. Nope, crying in the middle of the night made too many noises, I had to be punished. Now when someone genuinely wants to know what’s bothering me, I can’t even respond. I’m broken, but I do try sometimes. I can’t even talk openly about my suicidal feelings because, it’s too much for my friends to deal with. My friends have their own variation of shut up, like changing the subject.
My so called “bestfriend” was one of the people who bullied me the most in school. She would laugh along with the ones that made fun of me, she called me a dog, used me because she thought I had money (she STILL does this), played these little “jokes” on me that weren’t funny at all, and constantly reminded me how ugly and unlikable I was.
I’m so sick with people, dealing with them, and pretending to be happy to make others comfortable. My mom has hidden the pills, but I have some rope left.